Coworker: THANK YOU....always know I can depend on you my little cupcake with sprinkles!
Me: never call me that again.
Coworker: WHY....LMAO
Here's where I could have just told the truth and said, "ah, who wants to be called 'little cupcake with sprinkles'?" But I thought I'd bog her down with a random story instead --- thus I could irratate the idea of calling me 'little cupcake with sprinkles' out of her.
Me: ... bad memories.
Coworker: I want to know.....do you have bad memories with a cupcake as a child?
---- BEGIN RANDOM STORY --------
Me: It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Stephanie, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly exasperated, Stephanie poked a ripened avocado, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, she realized that her beloved little cupcake with sprinkles was missing! Immediately she called her so-called buddy, Bob. Stephanie had known Bob for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Bob was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... stupid. Stephanie called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Bob picked up to a very sad Stephanie. Bob calmly assured her that most disease-carrying chipmunks panic before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually flamboyantly cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Stephanie. Why was Bob trying to distract Stephanie? Because he had snuck out from Stephanie's with the little cupcake with sprinkles only three days prior. It was a saucy little little cupcake with sprinkles... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Stephanie got back to the subject at hand: her little cupcake with sprinkles. Bob panicked. Relunctantly, Bob invited her over, assuring her they'd find the little cupcake with sprinkles. Stephanie grabbed her hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Bob realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the little cupcake with sprinkles and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Stephanie took the wannabe go-fast Civic, he had take at least six minutes before Stephanie would get there. But if she took the Saturn? Then Bob would be scarcely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Bob was interrupted by nine oafish Cats that were lured by his little cupcake with sprinkles. Bob grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling displeased, he aptly reached for his dull pencil and recklessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Saturn rolling up. It was Stephanie.
----o0o----
As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so she knew she was running late. With a heroic leap, Stephanie was out of the Saturn and went earnestly jaunting toward Bob's front door. Meanwhile inside, Bob was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the little cupcake with sprinkles into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. Bob was stunned but at least the little cupcake with sprinkles was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Bob earnestly purred. With a careful push, Stephanie opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted self-righteous ass in a magic flying carpet,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Bob assured her. Stephanie took a seat exotically proximate to where Bob had hidden the little cupcake with sprinkles. Bob turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Stephanie was distracted. Absolutely thrilled, Bob noticed a stupid look on Stephanie's face. Stephanie slowly opened her mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Bob felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Stephanie asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the little cupcake with sprinkles right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Stephanie's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Stephanie nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Bob could react, Stephanie aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The little cupcake with sprinkles was plainly in view.
Stephanie stared at Bob for what what must've been eleven microseconds. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Bob groped charismatically in Stephanie's direction, clearly desperate. Stephanie grabbed the little cupcake with sprinkles and bolted for the door. It was locked. Bob let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Stephanie,' he rebuked. Bob always had been a little abrasive, so Stephanie knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Bob did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, she gripped her little cupcake with sprinkles tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Bob looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Stephanie. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Stephanie. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Bob walked over to the window and looked down. Stephanie was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Stephanie was struggling to make her way through the lemur-infested moor behind Bob's place. Stephanie had severely hurt her fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Cats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the little cupcake with sprinkles. One by one they latched on to Stephanie. Already weakened from her injury, Stephanie yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Cats running off with her little cupcake with sprinkles.
About nine hours later, Stephanie awoke, her ear throbbing. It was dark and Stephanie did not know where she was. Deep in the hazy bush, Stephanie was excessively lost. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, she remembered that her little cupcake with sprinkles was taken by the Cats. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a little Cat emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha Cat. Stephanie opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the Cat sunk its teeth into Stephanie's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Stephanie's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.
Less than three miles away, Bob was entombed by anguish over the loss of the little cupcake with sprinkles. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Stephanie... wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved her. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the little cupcake with sprinkles that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Cats, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'( *
Of course, I don't have the story telling skills to come up with such a story on the spot, but I'm very familar with a little internet toy called the Random Story Generator. So, my nonsense was thanks to them, and my coworker won't be asking for any more stories from me. :)
* I gotta give credit where credit is due, so here's the credits for the story:
LOLz!!1
*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/
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