I don't really have a problem with Buddhism, or my experience at the Buddhist temple -- but after having a little black rain cloud over my head for the past 2 days, it finally occurred to me why my actual problem was --- ok, so I didn't figure it out, but when one of Bob's classmates pointed out how similar my reaction was to my reaction to the atheist discussion group I went to in Austin, well it was a moment of clarity.
Just a little background -- after Bob left Austin for grad school, I was super lonely and in desperate need to make some friends and/or join a group so I wasn't so lonely all the time. So, in my brillance, I decided to go to this Atheist meetup to talk about religion and philosophy -- two of my favorite things. Btw, I'm not an atheist, I just *thought* with my grand intelligence that this group would have just the most awesome discussions known to man. And, if I were to seek a challenge to my argument ability this group would be the place -- surely no one would choose to be an atheist without a complete and full understanding of what they were rejecting.
Obviously, I'm mocking how naive I was, because the one (and only) discussion I went to left me fuming with anger at their lack of *general* knowledge about anything religious, other than perhaps some of the unsavory bits of religious history. It was horrible. After listening to a husband/wife groan about how awful religious people were, I (and another woman) took over the conversation. Then after I couldn't take their lack of knowledge anymore, I left --- called Bob, and fussed the ENTIRE way home about how uneducated these people were. It's one thing to have a rational argument about what you believe or don't believe and another to just whine about the color blue even though you've never seen it and only heard of it.
So, what Jeff pointed out was that my problem is really when I go somewhere expecting that the people would know what they're talking about only to discover my nothingness of religious knowledge eclipses theirs. Unfortunately, this seems to be a common problem for me when I expect someone is an authority and I find out they don't know anything more than I do, or worse -- they know less. It's not that I mind people not knowing things, but if you're going to tell me you're the resident expert (or you choose to talk heavily about a particular topic), know what you're talking about or at the very least be brave enough to tell me you don't really know.
Monday, April 28, 2008
What happened to the first quater of the year?
I'm really not sure what's happened to the last several months, but this year seems to be flying by.
My Introduction to World Religions class ends next week. I currently have a 98 in the class and could sleep through the final and still pass. I need to finish my write-up for my alternative religious experience. I've been procrastinating writing it, because I was super disappointed with the Buddhist Temple I went to. It's supposed to be the scholarly research Buddhist center of Houston, but they segregated the Americans into this small meditation room near the kitchen and gave us the lone American monk. Bob and I went for the hour meditation -- we only participated in the sitting meditation (40 minutes) -- and the dharma study afterwards.
I've gotta give a brief description of what went on in my head during the meditation because it was a near impossible thing for me to do. So, we go sit down on this padded bench (all the benches were padded) and the monk begins to say that we should clear all the thoughts from out head and focus on our breathing. So, I attempt to do this by focusing, "breathe in, breathe out." And as I'm doing this, I begin to become very aware of the noise and chatter outside the temple. Since the Americans and Chinese were segragated, the Americans were in a room near the kitchen and throughout the meditation I could here the chatter from the kitchen. And while I'm trying to think, "breathe in, breathe out" I begin to start thinking, "well how am I supposed to do this with all the chatter next door, maybe if it were just the birds tweeting and stuff, but not with this chatter." Then I remember I'm supposed to be focused on my breathing, "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in. Wow, this bench is really comfortable -- I don't think I've ever sat on a bench as comfortable as this, and yet it has no back support and my butt isn't aching -- dangit, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, how am I supposed to concentrate with people coming in and out of the room. Can't they read, the sign clearly says not to enter the room during the sitting meditation. Ugh, breathe in, breathe out. I wonder what everyone else is doing. Wow, their posture is so good. I wonder how long they've been doing this. Breathe in, how can anyone possibly do this? Sit still for 40 minutes. I wonder what time it is. I bet these people are just sleeping sitting up like Bobby does. Yup, that guy is breathing really deeply -- there's no way he's not sleeping. Haha, there goes Bobby, he's going to sleep -- better nudge him so he doesn't fall over. Yea know, I bet the Buddha just taught himself to sleep sitting up and that's all they're really doing- sleep sitting. Breathe in, breathe out. I wonder how they know it's time to finish meditating. If they don't open their eyes to look at the clock, how do they know? How could you possibly tune out that chatter outside? I thought this was supposed to be a quiet time -- not outside chatter time. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Birds are so funny. Ah, I like the AC, it tunes out the noise outside. Breathe in, I wonder if he knows (the monk) that I can't concentrate on anything. He probably thinks I'm a fool. Nah, he's sleeping, not moving at all. Ding, Ding, Ding. I wonder what that bell is for. Ah, everyone outside stopped talking. Ding, Ding, Ding. Oh, now they're talking again. I wonder what Bob's doing? He's doing so much better than me. Breathe in, Breathe out."
Ok, so I know I thought about other things, but this is what I remember spending the most time on. Like I needed this all running through my head constantly for 40 minutes. :) I know, not the intent, but Bobby's experience was surprisingly similar.
So, both the meditation and dharma were cool and I was relatively happy with those experiences. My dissappointment was caused by talking to the resident expert that was supposed to explain everything to me. My line of questioning was primarily along the lines of, "What's that, what's it for, why's it in here, what are they doing that for?"
I was asking questions about everything, even things I knew from my studies just to get their point of view on it. Now, I can not say that someone has an incorrect point of view, but when we start spewing Nazi rhetoric for an Eastern symbol -- I'm going to lose my ability to talk to you; and, in general I'm going to be overwhelmed with your stupidity. Ok, so the only thing he said was that the swastika stands for perfection --- which is not true. Perhaps in some twisted way it could be, but no, that's never something I would say.
Anyhow, my entire experience culminated in that single instant and I've had a little black rain cloud over my head ever since. So, I've been trying to think about what to do with myself. I'm still planning on going back to school and getting my masters degree, but what I can't figure out is what to get my masters in.
Ugh, so my little black rain cloud encouraged me to skip karate tonight - which I've been participating in for almost 2 months now. I like it, but I just couldn't force myself to go tonight.
Hopefully, my rain cloud with start to clear tomorrow.
My Introduction to World Religions class ends next week. I currently have a 98 in the class and could sleep through the final and still pass. I need to finish my write-up for my alternative religious experience. I've been procrastinating writing it, because I was super disappointed with the Buddhist Temple I went to. It's supposed to be the scholarly research Buddhist center of Houston, but they segregated the Americans into this small meditation room near the kitchen and gave us the lone American monk. Bob and I went for the hour meditation -- we only participated in the sitting meditation (40 minutes) -- and the dharma study afterwards.
I've gotta give a brief description of what went on in my head during the meditation because it was a near impossible thing for me to do. So, we go sit down on this padded bench (all the benches were padded) and the monk begins to say that we should clear all the thoughts from out head and focus on our breathing. So, I attempt to do this by focusing, "breathe in, breathe out." And as I'm doing this, I begin to become very aware of the noise and chatter outside the temple. Since the Americans and Chinese were segragated, the Americans were in a room near the kitchen and throughout the meditation I could here the chatter from the kitchen. And while I'm trying to think, "breathe in, breathe out" I begin to start thinking, "well how am I supposed to do this with all the chatter next door, maybe if it were just the birds tweeting and stuff, but not with this chatter." Then I remember I'm supposed to be focused on my breathing, "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in. Wow, this bench is really comfortable -- I don't think I've ever sat on a bench as comfortable as this, and yet it has no back support and my butt isn't aching -- dangit, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, how am I supposed to concentrate with people coming in and out of the room. Can't they read, the sign clearly says not to enter the room during the sitting meditation. Ugh, breathe in, breathe out. I wonder what everyone else is doing. Wow, their posture is so good. I wonder how long they've been doing this. Breathe in, how can anyone possibly do this? Sit still for 40 minutes. I wonder what time it is. I bet these people are just sleeping sitting up like Bobby does. Yup, that guy is breathing really deeply -- there's no way he's not sleeping. Haha, there goes Bobby, he's going to sleep -- better nudge him so he doesn't fall over. Yea know, I bet the Buddha just taught himself to sleep sitting up and that's all they're really doing- sleep sitting. Breathe in, breathe out. I wonder how they know it's time to finish meditating. If they don't open their eyes to look at the clock, how do they know? How could you possibly tune out that chatter outside? I thought this was supposed to be a quiet time -- not outside chatter time. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Birds are so funny. Ah, I like the AC, it tunes out the noise outside. Breathe in, I wonder if he knows (the monk) that I can't concentrate on anything. He probably thinks I'm a fool. Nah, he's sleeping, not moving at all. Ding, Ding, Ding. I wonder what that bell is for. Ah, everyone outside stopped talking. Ding, Ding, Ding. Oh, now they're talking again. I wonder what Bob's doing? He's doing so much better than me. Breathe in, Breathe out."
Ok, so I know I thought about other things, but this is what I remember spending the most time on. Like I needed this all running through my head constantly for 40 minutes. :) I know, not the intent, but Bobby's experience was surprisingly similar.
So, both the meditation and dharma were cool and I was relatively happy with those experiences. My dissappointment was caused by talking to the resident expert that was supposed to explain everything to me. My line of questioning was primarily along the lines of, "What's that, what's it for, why's it in here, what are they doing that for?"
I was asking questions about everything, even things I knew from my studies just to get their point of view on it. Now, I can not say that someone has an incorrect point of view, but when we start spewing Nazi rhetoric for an Eastern symbol -- I'm going to lose my ability to talk to you; and, in general I'm going to be overwhelmed with your stupidity. Ok, so the only thing he said was that the swastika stands for perfection --- which is not true. Perhaps in some twisted way it could be, but no, that's never something I would say.
Anyhow, my entire experience culminated in that single instant and I've had a little black rain cloud over my head ever since. So, I've been trying to think about what to do with myself. I'm still planning on going back to school and getting my masters degree, but what I can't figure out is what to get my masters in.
Ugh, so my little black rain cloud encouraged me to skip karate tonight - which I've been participating in for almost 2 months now. I like it, but I just couldn't force myself to go tonight.
Hopefully, my rain cloud with start to clear tomorrow.
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